World Mental Health Day - My Story

The 10th October 2013 is World Mental Health Day and its one to celebrate as it certainly shouldnt be something we hide from

My story started 11 years ago just after I'd had my first son, he was 4 months old and I woke up feeling very strange, I couldnt speak all I could was stutter, I couldnt move it was like my body had frozen, I was vomiting constantly and my head felt like it was in a vice, but the fear was the worst, I didnt want to open my eyes I didnt want to look out as I was so frightened, but no idea of what!

I managed to survive by myself for 4 days like that with my baby before a friend took me to the doctors, who diagnosed me some tablets, didnt really show any concern for my well being and gave me a sick note for a week (as I'd already returned to work, as a single mum I felt  I had too)
I didnt feel any better and made the ultimate call I felt of failure to my parents and asked them for help, they immediately came to get me, packed up mine and my sons things and took them to their house by the sea. I slept for two weeks, only waking up for my tablets, I had a fear of getting out of the bed, but again no idea what! I kept returning home to see my doctor who was of no help whatsoever

My parents suggested I see their doctor so I reluctantly did, he was lovely and calm and sat back in his chair whilst I described how I felt! He explained that it could be two things, I could have post natal depression which wasnt uncommon or that I could have an unbalance in my brain which has been triggered by giving birth, he prescribed different tablets as I still hadnt eaten anything and kept vomiting, these tablets worked a treat and within a couple of days, with fear chasing me down the stairs I managed to stay downstairs and cuddle my baby without running off scared, although I knew it was nothing to do with my baby, I had no ill feelings towards him, I loved him more than ever, I just didnt feel well.

Time went on, I got better, I went back home, I was on the medication for a number of years, I got a new partner and we had a son together and fear washed over me again, thats when I was finally diagnosed with post natal depression properly, I was monitored by the doctors and health visitor, I attended a pnd group which was of great help, I met one of my closet friends there (which is a whole story in itself)

I did yo yo with the medication and then finally came off it a few years ago which I was really proud of

Then the most awful happened, I've told the story a little here on my blog before but basically the close friend that I'd met at the pnd group passed away, I was wth her holding her hand and I was been so strong, within two months of her passing the dread and fear returned, I've been on medication for two years again now and cannot see me coming off them in the near future, its certainly something I need to keep me balanced otherwise I feel that I am always on the edge of a huge panic attack, which totally stop me in my tracks and leave me feeling negative even though over the last couple of years i've accomplished so much

I'm currently taking 30mg of citalopram and it works for me, I still have bad days, mornings are worse or if my partner is working away, I can feel the anxiety wash over me, but I survive each time

Dont hide, if you need help talk to someone, you will find your not alone